I do not do these. Not sure why...laziness? Most likely. But I found this and due to the fact that I am insanely tired nearly peed my panties when I read some of these. I dont mean to offend anyone so if it does I'm sorry...but they do make you giggle. So enjoy, I will bold my favorites

#1 Fruit loops are like gay cheerios
#2 I'm not retarded! I just like licking windows!
#3 You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder.
#4 I may look safe, but as soon as I get you alone... I WILL EAT YOU!
#5 Kindergarten: where the definition of drama is someone stealing your crayons.
#6 Keepin it gangsta white girl style
#7 Life was so simple when boys had cooties...
#8 I dont discriminate, i hate everybody
#9 Friends are like bras, close to the the heart and there for support
#10 Yes I do use my hairbrush as a microphone and dance around in my underwear thank you very much
#11 I'm so goth I punched a Care Bear
#12 Good girls are bad girls who don't get caught
#13 Oh yeah? Well, I dont like your pants.
#14 I shower naked.
#15 I'll make your heart beat like your on cocaine.
#16 I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
#17 rawr. fear me. (totally me )
#18 Buy me a plastic ring and tell me you love me
#19 I am absolutely awesome. Agree or die.
#20 Shoes can change your life, just ask Cinderella.
#21 lol is the polite way of saying: that wasnt funny, shut up already, your really annoying, why are you talking to me?, i really don't care or you just have nothing to say at all.
#22 Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
#23 At least my boobs are big.
#24 If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough.
#25 Warning: Children left alone will be sold to the circus.
#26 My parents are afraid of the people in Hot Topic.
#27 Hug a tree. They have less issues than people.
#28 I hate bees okay? They're like flying death monkeys.
#29 I love you like an emo kid loves girls pants.
#30 I've got A.D.D. and magic markers. Oh the thrills I will have.
#31 Stress: When the body can no longer resist the urge to choke the poo out of some arse-hole who really deserves it.
#32 I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
#33 Your a great friend but if the zombies chase us I'm tripping you.
#34 I purposely create awkward moments because I think its funny.
#35 My friends are the kind who, if the house was burning down, would be making smores and hitting on the firemen.
#36 Smile. It's easier than to explain why your crying.
#37 Make cookies not war.
#38 Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
#39 Take the L out of Lover and it's Over
#40 All that and a bag of chips
#41 Go buck a fuffalo
#42 Your fishy appears to have died of thirst. Take this band-aid and come back to see me in 3 weeks.
#43 Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought "Where the hell is my ceiling?!"
#44 42.7% of all statisics are made up on the spot.
#45 A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying "Dang, we screwed up..."
#46 Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out.
#47 Good friends don't let you do stupid things....alone.
#48 A friend would lend you her umbrella in the rain, but a best friend would take yours and say "Run!"
#49 I'm the girl who can watch tons of horror movies and not get scared, but when the toast pops out of the toaster I scream at the top of my lungs.
#50 I put the *fun* in dysfunctional.
#51 I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.
#52 Take love, multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depths of forever and you still will only have a glimpse of how much I love you.
#53 Kiss me like an overdramatic actor.
#54 We shall start at the end of the world. ONWARD!
#55 If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do it for you.
#56 Boyfriends stab you in the heart, friends stab you in the back, but best friends don't carry knives.
#57 You call me a bitch, well a bitch is a dog and dogs bark and bark is on trees and trees are part of nature and nature is beautiful so yeah thanks for the compliment.
#58 Smile. It makes people wonder what your thinking.
#59 Understatement of the day: I'M NOT KRAZY!
#60 I'm not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you, but don't think I don't have one, oh yes, it's time will come.
#61 Of course I'm mature
#62 My evil plan? I'll tell you in hell.
#63 What am i on? What does it look like?
#64 Pardon my French but what the hell are you talking about?
#65 I AM NOT CRAZY! I'm just....not normal.
#66 Old friends kick harder
#67 Painted toenails. The mark of a true bad-arse.
#76 Constipated people don't talk crap.
#77 I'm not anti-social. Society is anti-me.
#78 It ain't us; the whole world spins the wrong way, baby.
#79 DANGER; THESE LETTERS HAVE SHARP EDGES.
#80 If you're heart was broken, you'd be dead. So shut up before I break it for you.
#81 Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper. (not to offend anyone)
#82 Angry people need hugs, Or sharp objects.
#83 There are no stupid questions, only a vast number of inquisitive idiots.
#84 Friends don't let friends get mullets.
#85 Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
#86 Drugs have taught an entire generation of american kids the metric sytem.
#87 Wait, wait, wait...What the hell?
#88 I hate valentines Day.I think V-day should be made into Pie Day! Everybody loves pie!
#89 Common sense, a thing of the past.
#90 I'm not a complete idiot...some parts are missing.
#91 In the last 20 seconds of my life, I would like to take a minute to thank my parents.
#92 That's umpossible!
#93 Ok then, do it, but don't come running to me when you've broken both of your legs.
#94 Some call it stalking. I call it love
#95 I'm so goth I flipped off a teletubby.
#96 Moo. I'm a pig.
#97 When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
#98 It's always the darkest before dawn. So if you're gonna steal your naighbor's paper, that's the time to do it.
#99 Follow your dream! Unless its that one where you're at school in your underwear.
#100 Bullcrap makes the flowers grow, and thats beautiful!
#101 My soul has been removed to make room for all of the sarcasm.
#102 Let's do something daring! LETS EAT FROZEN YOGURT!